Sparrow and Sushi
by Rackham'sVanity
Summary: Elizabeth is in the kitchen and poor ole' Jack is her guinea pig. Horrible things happen to our Jack. Can Will and Gibbs save the day? Not bloody likely.
1. Raw Fish, Cold Soup, and Other Sundries

Disclaimer:  I do not own any PotC character.  Disney retains all bragging rights.

Author's Note:  This teeny weeny ficlet grew out of strange dreams I've had of late and general confusion over various kinds of foodstuffs.  It is a one-off and not really much of anything, although it was fun to write.  Tell me what you think…thanks!

***********************************************************

"You mean to tell me," Jack Sparrow began loudly, teeth bared, narrowing his eyes at the hovering Elizabeth and bracing for a fight,  "_This_ is meant to be _cold_…" chunks of gazpacho cascaded off the bowl of his upturned spoon, splashing lustily back into his dish (somewhat) and onto the table (largely),  "_This_ is meant to be _raw_…" Jack stabbed a chopstick pitilessly at a resigned-looking piece of tuna sushi,  "…_and_ meant to be eaten with a pair of bleeding twigs?"  He brandished the chopsticks in the air, waving them wildly in strange circles as Elizabeth looked on, feigning boredom.

"And lastly," the pirate lowered his voice and gestured delicately with grimy, bejeweled fingers,  "you stand ready and eager to convince me that this _dazzling array_ of culinary _splendour_ …" much rolling of kohl-laden eyes here,   "…is, even at the most base level, _edible_?"

Jack snatched a handful of warm escargot from a dish and thrust it towards Elizabeth, "_This_?  And _this_?"  His determined palms clutched a handful of slightly wilty seaweed salad.  "And what about _these_?"  Slender frogs' legs hung dubiously from the pirate's questioning hands. "And **_these_**?"  At a near fever pitch of froth he paused dramatically, and then suddenly, unexpectedly, all of the breath came out of him like a punctured balloon.  He looked worse off than the seaweed as he reached miserably towards the final offending food.  Jack's anger was quickly dissolving into quiet despair as he held aloft a tentacled piece of calamari, jiggling the meat briefly for effect.

On her feet across the table from the faltering pirate, Elizabeth's eyes flashed.  With great deliberateness, she leaned in to Jack, palms flat on the table before him, her flushed face coming to rest one slender inch from Jack's.  He swallowed hard.

"'Yes,' Captain Sparrow," she intoned slowly, "the answer to all of your myriad of questions, is 'yes.'  'Yes.'"  She edged forward, now a hair's breadth away from a vaguely swaying Jack, and smiled the crookedest, evilest, most depraved smile she could conjure.

"_Dig in_."

Jack returned the gaze sorrowfully, deflated.

"I hate it when you cook," he pouted, "Damn your blasted 'fusion,' Swann."


	2. Calamari is Elizabethian for Squid

_Disclaimer:  All PotC characters belong to Disney, not me._

_Author's Notes:  _Thanks to all who read my wee fic, and massive thanks to anyone who read and reviewed and offered suggestions, whether at ff.net or elsewhere!  I wasn't planning on making this little sketch anything more than a one-off, but you've planted the seed, and so now I shall continue on and see what happens at Elizabeth's odd little dinner party.  Expect to see at least Will and Gibbs and most likely Gov. Swann in the near future.  Who knows?

            As an aside I feel I must make to assuage my own guilt, there's nothing even vaguely historically accurate about this fic.  Zilch.  It's wildly anachronistic, I know.  I am currently doing penance fort hat in my own private historian's hell.  There.  I said it.  Now for fun.

            "Damn it all you like, Jack," Elizabeth shot back, slowly crossing her arms and drawing herself up to her full height, "You're not leaving this table until you eat."

            She squared her jaw, "You tortured me for _weeks_ with your endless ribbing, your jibing, your varied and numerous taunts and teases with regard to my skill in the kitchen.  And so now we see that _yes_, the rich girl _can_ cook…that she is very well and able to cook, and _you_, Captain Sparrow," Elizabeth paused for effect and leaned in towards him again, dropping her voice to a whisper as her eyes bore holes through his, "You will consume every morsel I set before you.  Fair is fair, Captain.  You've lost your wager, and I've won.  Now…let's begin with the calamari, shall we? --- or if you prefer, the _squid_."

            Elizabeth plucked the tentacled for from Jack's limp fingers and pruned a single arm from the body.  Holding the tiny arm daintily between thumb and forefinger, she lowered it towards Jack's stricken face.  His eyes registered a terror so pure and exquisite that Elizabeth was tempted to linger there for several minutes longer.  Or hours.  One tended to lose all track of time while engaged in enjoyable activities.

            "Open wide, Captain," Elizabeth crooned.

            "Now, hang on a minute…let's not be hasty, luv'…" Jack waved his hands in the air pathetically and tried in vain to regain his composure as the squid tentacle moved closer to his lips, "Elizabeth…let's be _reasonable_ here, darling…" He slid back suddenly to make a run for it and the chair hit the wall behind him, hard.  His eyes widened in grim realization.

            No escape.

            Trapped like a sparrow.

            "Don't you 'darling' me, Jack," Elizabeth growled, very much enjoying herself at this point, "Open your vile pirate mouth."  She dusted off her villainous grin for another go, "Let's see a full set of those gummy golden choppers, Captain…"

            She was leaning on him now, one hand pressed squarely in the middle of his chest, the other dangling the offending piece of calamari above his lips.

            Jack, crushed between chef and squid, and chair and wall, let out a miserable little despairing sigh and obediently opened his mouth, slamming his dark eyes shut and clutching the seat of his chair like a drowning man grasping at a floating board.

            In went the calamari.  Jack shuddered and wilted visibly.

            "Chew," instructed Elizabeth, still pressing on him.

            "Ermph," said Jack, mouth full and closed, completely immobile.

            "Chew," demanded Elizabeth, giving the pirate a small shove.

            "Uhhnnk…" replied Jack, the colour draining from his face, his eyes still screwed shut.

            "Chew, Sparrow!" Elizabeth heaved Jack up into an upright sitting position, "C'mon, CHEW!"  She let go of him and stood back.

            Jack wavered for a moment, made a completely indecipherable reply, and promptly passed out.  His forehead hit the table with an emphatic **_clonk_**_._

Elizabeth sighed.

            "Oh dear," she said, chewing her lip thoughtfully.

            _(to be continued…)_


End file.
